Pelican Swallowed Pigeon

The moment I heard that Pelican
had swallowed Pigeon whole,
I wondered: what would EB White
do? The moment I thought of
Charlotte's Web and Stuart Little,
I, in fact, knew with certainty what
exactly happened that day at the pond.
You see, that Pigeon was quite
the smarmy one and had it in for
Pelican big time, ever since he
and his motley flock came on
the scene. Pelican didn't mind so
much; not like Pigeon could
actually do anything about it.
That is, until one day Pigeon
starts upping the ante. Though
Pelican comes from a long line
of proper English pelicans,
his ancestors, nevertheless,
were brought over in cages
from the Russian homeland.
Pigeon gets it in mind to start
hammering away at this particular
characteristic of his nemesis
(despite the fact that his own
forebears happen to be from
somewhere in Portugal).
Starts calling the old fellow
monarchist, czar lover,
commi, fascist, whatever
strikes his fancy on a given day.
Still, Pelican doesn't mind
so much. Just a measly little
pigeon, right? Well, I tell you,
if there's anything that will turn
a gentle pelican into a homicidal
maniac, it's stealing his girl. Everyone
refuses to believe that a mere pigeon
could have found his way to doing it
with a pelican, but you know as well
as I do, stranger things have in fact
happened. Pelican caught them one
night and was so incensed, he was
speechless. Let his girl, and that dirty
varmint, think he hadn't seen a thing.
Then it was just a matter of waiting
for the right moment, the wicked little
flying rat separated from his pack of
malcontents. Right before he walked
over and scooped his victim up in his
huge mouth, Pelican was heard to say,
"Only sad tales come from those who
mess with a pelican's tail. I can take
you whole. It's dark down there I
hear." "Oh, come off it, you eat
fish," Pigeon protested as he turned
to walk the other way. In the end,
Pigeon did put up a mighty
fight. Everyone within eyesight could
see him kicking and punching all
the way down. Pelican looked
downright satisfied when the fight
was over and his digestive juices
began their furious work. The only
thing none of us can figure out for sure
is where's the funny part to this story?

(2006)