Just Desserts

There are mornings I wonder
what I could have done
to deserve this destiny. Other
times I find it easier to maintain
the resolve to ignore the very question
whether I deserve it or not--it is as it is.
Do I deserve it, though? Have I
not always been peaceful and kind
and generous? I can come
to no other conclusion than that
those attributes don't add up to much
as far as the cosmos are concerned.
It must be some other mistake I've made.
Did I jerk off one too many times
for the lord to sanction? Have I been
too self-possessed for folks to stomach?
Where is the line between self-possession
and confidence? Is there one? Aren't there
undeserving folks out there 100 times
more self-possessed than me, folks with
nothing, in the end, all that sound to
offer, share, to devote? I could swear
this almost sounds like I feel sorry
for myself. So, one last question:
under what circumstances exactly
are folks sanctioned to feel sorry
for themselves, sad at the loss of
their life the way it once was,
forlorn about the prospects of ever
finding love, solemnly lonely about
the fact that no one ever calls or
stops by, just to say Hi, to see if
they're all right, still among the living?
Is it ever all right to be broken up
about the fact that if you fell off
the face of the earth, your mother
and father are really the only ones
who'd notice or care? Who will
be at my wake? Not like I even
had a best man the one time I did
find someone who said they thought
they might be convinced to spend
their life with me. I have the sneaking
suspicion, when the time comes,
someone will be throwing a party
for me and my casket.

(2007)