The Watering Hole

Something's broken inside me. Odd
that I should be able to discern that
only from outside signs. I feel the cracks
and jagged edges inside, but I had
come to think they were a natural part
of these Conditions of Tragedy. Now
I see it's me, it must be me. I used to
go to a bar nearby, every night at times.
My sole place of refuge after my ex
walked out. The other night, as I
forced myself to stumble, one foot
awkwardly in front of the other, into
this longtime watering hole of mine, I
felt just as though someone had knocked
the wind out of me; it was all I could do
to keep from dropping to my knees
and breaking into sobs right there
on the street. At first, I thought it was
mainly memories of failures with women,
hearing my ex say No, she wouldn't come
back to me, hearing other women say
No, it's just not right, knowing the truth
is they could never agree to be with a
40-year-old cripple, hearing still others
say Yes, but feeling no magic or spark
or mystery or desire. Which brings me
back to being broken. I realized what
knocked me for a loop wasn't just
memories of misbegotten attempts to
find love; more importantly it's the forever
being set apart. Despite countless efforts
over nearly half a decade's time, at
galvanizing friendship, the parties I've
thrown, the many invitations I've sent,
the get-togethers I've strained, hobbling
alone in the dark, to attend, I am still
essentially an outsider, I am still
the Other, I still stand outside the inside
loop--I am still fundamentally in
smithereens. Every once in a while a person
wakes up from a daze to see that
the framework they've been fabricating,
the scaffolding to reach a higher point,
the very basic construction of very basic
human needs they've been fluttering
around like a moth and a flame--
it's all misaligned from the foundation.
When you hit that wall, if you can still
stand, your best bet is to turn around
and walk quietly away. Just walk away
with your integrity, your pride, and
your childish dreams still at least
gasping for air. And let them breathe
deeply again.

(2007)