If You See Me

If you see me crying, it not for lack of
trying not to. If you see my crying,
it's only because I can't remember
the last time I allowed myself to cry. If
you see me in tears, it's just my way of
saying I love you. If it seems I might just
break down sobbing any second, it's
probably because I might. If I'm
overly emotional, it might just be
that I haven't had my morning tea
yet. I would say I'm ready at any
moment to cry for joy, but that's SO
not true. I'm running out of excuses.
I really ought to get to the bottom of it.
I think the truth is I can't stop crying
because I can't stop watching the clock
and thinking, "Isn't that just my life
slipping through the cracks?" Why
do we all pretend we don't care, that
we came to terms with this mortal
conundrum in growing up, that it's
all jim-dandy with us? It's not, for God's
sake, it's not. I refuse to concede that
I came to terms with the lonely facts
of the human condition. I refuse to
go down in peace. I will go down
roaring, raving about my rage that
we all just watch the clock until
one day we die. If you see me
sobbing in my chair, about to give up
the ghost, know that, oddly enough,
I'm choked up with gratitude that I
had the chance to be here once,
hard as it was. I was here once.

(2007)