I Need Help

At one point a few years ago, the state of my health
hit bottom. I needed help badly but I refused
to seek it out. Because of that dire reluctance,
I now walk with a cane, and just barely at that.
Why would a person avoid getting the help
they need? For a disabled person abandoned
by their former spouse, it's all about memories.
I imagined my ex saying to me, "You see, you're
too needy. You need help. You can't make it
on your own." I kept insisting to myself that I
would make it on my own no matter what. And,
yes, I do blame my ex for the fact of my disability
getting worse, her and everyone else who made it
clear they didn't care. If I had anyone close to me
at the time who was in anyway supportive, that
person would have insisted I go see a doctor. But,
no, helplessly alone, I sat at my desk with the ghost
of my ex-wife haunting me and relentlessly
reminding me that a pretty young woman could
never tolerate such selfish helplessness. God, how
selfish, to have needs, to be always in shadows!
She'll always stick in the back of my head,
insisting I have no right to feel sorry for myself.
Oddly, now I feel sorry that I didn't feel sorry
for myself when it counted most.

(2007)