Severe Disability

When I hear them say my disease
burden is large and that the likelihood
of severe disability at a young age is
very high, all I can think of, what
comes to my mind above everything
else, is: how could anyone really love
me now? The doctors are amazed that
I'm still walking but I'm stunned that
I'm still alone. I tell them, "Look, I
don't care about anything else. Just
protect my capacity to love for as
long as possible, keep that part
of my heart alive, and even after I
end up in a wheelchair I'll be all
right." They always look at me like
I'm crazy. How could I, in good
conscience, allow anyone to love me
anyway, if anyone ever could? You
go to the pound and wonder why
it is you are driven to bring a being
into your life who will destroy you
later with its mortality. Trapped
here, inside myself, I can no longer
imagine why a woman would ever
take me into her life only to be
ruined later by the death of my
functional self. How much of me
will be taken away and what will
I be worth after it leaves?

(2007)