Speech Pathology

"Wow, that was great," one of the audience
members said, greeting me as I walked
off stage. "What part of the south you from?"
she asked. I studied the over-eager face of
this one before me; I decided she could handle
the truth. "Um, Manhattan," I said.
"Man-what? Is that some small town in
Kentucky? I think I might of heard of it
before." I was compelled to explain myself
further. "No, as in, New York City."
She stood stupefied. "I did live in
Florida for a while, but that's really as close
as I ever got," I continued. "How in the
hell? How do you talk southern better than
people I know born and raised in Baton
Rouge?" Out comes the speech pathology
excuse which no one ever buys. I said,
"It's a speech pathology really. It's
easier for me to talk with a drawl than
anything else." At the very least, the lady
was dogged. She responded, "Bear in
mind, now, that a southern drawl could
never be a pathology." Seems I stepped
on somebody's toes. "Your problem, your
real problem is insufficient or inept
speech therapy." My God. Leave it
to a southern bell to smack some sense
into me faster than any doctor ever could.

(2007)