Why I Am Not an Environmentalist

"Hi. I'm calling about
the article you wrote on
water tables."
"Yes. What about it?"
the reporter responded.
"Well, you said
'environmentalists' are
forcing the county
to act responsibly and
curtail over-use of
groundwater."
"Yes."
"I want to thank you
for writing the article
and making the bad
situation very clear.
I mean, all around us
is sinking sand,
nowhere left to run.
People must know."
"Why do I sense
there's a 'but' in there
somewhere?"
"There is a but and that but is,
'I am not an environmentalist.'"
"That's it?" the reporter asked.
"Well, no, not really. If you
could write a blurb in
the errata section or whatever
explaining that it's simply
concerned citizens fighting
for sanity, not environmentalists,
that would be great."
"Why are you so opposed
to being called an
environmentalist?"
"Because environmentalists
wear nose rings. And
because environmentalism
died the day the clock
struck 1980."
"Really? I hadn't noticed."
"Which part?"
"Both parts."
"Oh, she's dead all right.
Nothing but us
semi-progressive
semi-conservative
tree-hugging
pro-life
save-the-whale
Limbaugh-listening
deep-ecologist
republicans left anymore."
"Are you sure
you don't wear a nose ring?"

(2006)